SO- Last night I stayed up until 12am crying my eyes out. YES, because I am a big baby.
Im not really sure what has come over me. Ive been okay with my job for the past 2 1/2 years, but transferring stores just threw my whole system through a loop and I suddenly decided I hated my job? Which is dumb, I'm about to get paid REAL money for my job. I'm about to get this huge promotion. I'm 19 years old and I'm going to be making more money than a lot of people in Hawaii (including like my parents) but my eyes are slipping from the prize and so is the innocence of life. It just dawned on me that I will be working for the REST of my life. Why has this just hit me? I always knew this. I mean, that's (as Joe pointed out to me last night) the essence of my being. The reason why I wake up in the morning is my goals and aspirations (which is to be a successful money making woman) and I have to say I think I'm doing a pretty good job at it so far. So why the hell am I suddenly so unhappy? I watched the hours tick by last night and by the time I got into my car I was crying hysterically with how much I couldn't stand work. So I came home and cried some more and poured out my new found reasoning of life to Joe. Whats the point of it all? We work for more than half our life and then die? We only stop working when we get old, which by then your ..OLD and every day probably wish to die. Getting old is like...unthinkable to me. I honestly, don't want to go there. Its funny too because, like every age, it just creeps up on you and by the time I'm 70 ill still feel like I'm 50. So..maybe..who knows...I wont feel like grabbing the nearest fork and stabbing myself to death. I started thinking that maybe I would never write my book, maybe I would never get my dream job a publishing company OR I do get my dream job and it ends up not being what I expected at all, so then what? Am I doomed to be working in the company I am currently at for the rest of my life? Am I just going to be some corporate manager? Hell...the money is alright...but I just don't know how I feel about that.
SIGH
I know this is a lot of nonsense here.
Anyhow - other than work not much has been going on.
I do, however, have to throw a hula together in like 2 weeks for my brothers wedding that I have barely started. Thats got me a bit stressed out as well. Its my own fault of course. I started putting it together months ago, but then I felt like it was too early to start practicing and I didn't want to forget so I just waited and now of course with my promotion and changing stores my whole routine has been thrown off. I haven't ran in a week and I want to hit myself. And now I have this hula. Blah. So much going on this summer its crazy!
My sister comes in next week! Im soo excited I havent seen her for 3 years, but Im also really bummed, because I set my whole workout losing weight thing to be around her coming home. I was supposed to be like 20 pounds thinner and even though I ran a lot I have lost hardly anything. Its really weird I feel like I look better, but when I get on the scale its just a couple pounds lighteR???? how does that make any sense?
Needless to say, my sister is extremely thin. Standing next to her sucks, but I guess I will just have to suck it up. Maybe I can start fasting :D I still have a week...mwahaha.
Aww girl. I'm sorry that you had such a break down. It really does suck, it seems like we don't get to fully enjoy our lives because we need to work and we NEED to work to get money to do most things that are enjoyable (eating, perhaps? haha).
ReplyDeleteBut we fight and we push through for all of those small moments of happiness that make it all worth it.
And don't not eat! That's bad AND cheating!
Oh, darlin it's okay! Yes, most of us will need to work for the rest of our lives, but if we're lucky we end up at jobs that we love, so we don't mind all the effort. Don't give up on your publishing job!
ReplyDeleteAnd please calm down about the whole weight thing. As long as you think you're beautiful, the number on the scale is irrelevant.