Im trying so hard to keep it all together, to pretend like my life is right where I want it. But in reality I am breaking down inside, I am screaming and throwing things and wanting so badly to just thrash my head against a wall. I work so hard and yet I come home and get ignored. I feel like I have nobody. Im all alone again and its the worst feeling to feel alone when your technically NOT alone. I try to distract myself from the fact that *hes on the computer talking to some girl online and im right behind him reading a book wishing he would get off the computer and really spend time with me. I made the mistake last night of trying to get involved again in his online world....ya I was talking to him online and he typed something to me that he meant to send to her... god do i feel like crying. I feel like crying so badly. I had nightmares all last night about this. Maybe im just being insecure...but I really feel like hes drifting far away from me. Im reading Eat Pray Love and omg Ive been laying there crying with this book because I know exactly how she feels. Except I had my pyscho phase of laying on the bathroom floor crying and cutting myself and then I got sent to a therapist who is a joke and finally I decided to just hide it all away. Everyone thought I was crazy and that those emotions were purely because I was 18 and going through hard times. No, its because im so insecure and he is so far away from me. I dont feel pretty, needed, wanted, none of what I feel like girls feel like. I used to at least feel like I knew we belonged together and I knew he loved me more than anything and you know what I am starting to doubt it all right now. Im trying hard not to...but i cant do it any longer. I have to keep myself busy and independent. I cant depend on people, because nobody is ever there.
What I would give for a best friend. Somebody I could just go spend time with and cry with and they would understand and still love me. All I have here is my mom, who is great and all but telling her everything is just going to make her angry I think. I dont want people to be angry at him ...it is what it is. If he isnt in love with me anymore than so be it. But he wont admit it...and thats whats driving me insane. I have to get away today or something. I just have to get out of the house... I can sit here and wait and watch.
I feel like throwing up.
Im sorry this entry is so depressing.
Gypsy, you ARE pretty, needed, and wanted. If someone makes you feel like you aren't, confront them. If it doesn't change, leave. Life is short. Too short to be hooked up to someone who doesn't appreciate you and treat you with the level of respect you deserve.
ReplyDeleteI'll be your best friend if you want :)
I'll be there if you need me kiddo. Bloggers have to stick together.
Baby girl, I know how you feel. Jon's right though, life is too short to be stuck on someone who doesn't appreciate you and as hard as it is to do, you can get him out of your life and your mind and be happy about it, trust me. It'll take some time and it'll be hard, but you can do it. Baby steps.
ReplyDeleteAnd again, I agree with Jon. Us bloggers stick together, we're all here for each other and we're all here for you. <3
wow what a tough time...i really admire your attitude though...trying to not let it get you down and to keep busy! it does help to have lots of other things to think about! BUT do you really want to stay in a relationship thats getting you down? it doesn't have to be him to end it...like others have said, if he's making you sad and making you doubt yourself you have to get rid of him! cos you ARE beautiful and talented and you need someone who values you!! feel like im totally repeating what the others have said...but it's true! keep strong girl :)
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